Self-Criticism [methods to manage the negative impacts, understand the experiences, and help yourself to feel better]

Criticizing Ourselves

What is self-criticism? We all experience a concept called "self-talk." This is not the same as experiencing auditory hallucinations of voices and not the same as responding to internal stimuli of a hallucination, and also not the same as talking to ourselves out loud. Self-talk is the verbal internal dialogue that silently goes on and on in our heads throughout the day. This CAN be spoken out loud, and in that case it is talking to oneself. Internally. 

Self-talk can be neutral- "hmmm, I wonder what I will cook today, I have a lot of groceries and am not financially strained, I want to choose a healthy meal to stay on track with my nutrition plans, but I know I am trying to control eating fatty foods..." Self-talk can be positive- "hmmm, I am doing very good on making healthy choices for my body, I did great by exercising today even though I did not feel up to it, I am sure I can stay on track..." Self-talk can also be negative- "Wow I suck! I cannot believe I ate that Starbucks cream cheese danish AND a frap for breakfast! I am so stupid for skipping my workout. I am fat and that is my own problem, I can't get it together, why even try? Tonight I will order pizza..."

• self-talk that is negative feels the worse. Positive self-talk feels good BUT it can be hard to recognize it, and neutral self-talk just feels like common internal chatter.

• Are you able to notice if your self-talk percentages are highly negative? Positive? Neutral?

• Do you notice when you are the most tuned in to self-talk? For myself in the early mornings or late evenings or when I wake in the middle of the night.

• Are you aware of your body?: is your breathing shallow? Do you have tight muscles? 

• How do you feel emotionally? Are you sad, angry, frustrated, irritable?

• How have your handled the basics so far? Did you sleep well, hydrate properly, eat properly?

• Are there any current or pending stressors? ie are you feeling pressure of deadlines? Do you have some stress involving taxes, roomies, family, health? 

Family and Upbringing History

We are not here to blame everybody from our past, but early on in life when the brain is still developing, ideas and experiences can become ingrained. Think about what you consider as something wrong, things that you have learned in childhood whether or not you agree. I remember being brought up to never have a mess of clothing on the floor. Even one item of clothing would make one of my parents express anger with limited patience. I also remember being woken up when it was my turn to wash the dinner dishes and I had not completed the chore. A parent would wake me up before they went to sleep to make sure I did the dishes. I also remember being slow in school and being made to spend all my free time for 1-2 nights finishing a "back work" list of incomplete work of in-class and homework assignments. 

As an adult, I notice that work ethic and catching up at work and school is important. I was always a smart kid, but I had extreme trouble concentrating in class. Primarily I was self-taught. I would read textbooks at home, learn from doing homework and study. I was always slow at reading and comprehension and the pressure of the in-class work was always creating a barrier. Even at work I work better with some background noise but when I hear talking in the background I have a hard time reading and writing or memorizing material. This is just how my brain operates. And I figured this out on my own. 

The other experiences of clothing on the floor or dishes in the sink, those I did not grow up to understand that there was a specific importance. For me, cleaning is done on my own time. Needing to keep a space clean before bedtime for me is not really a necessary part of life.

Some other experiences I was raised with: I found these beneficial. From grade 2- my first year of grad school I played sports on Sundays. I was at the sports league to help set up and we left when we had cleaned up. I was usually at church Saturdays from Kindergarten- my 2nd year of grad school. Sabbath school began at 9:30am, we either got take out or ate as a family at a restaurant for lunch time, and once a month the church had a potluck on site. Weekdays I was in school 8am-3pm Monday-Friday from Kindergarten- 12th grade. In college the first 3 years of community college I worked from 3:30pm-6pm weekdays, taught a computer class Fridays 10am-12pm Tuesdays and Thursdays. 

Let us not go on, this is not a resume. But having this balance of a schedule in early years helped me to build in skills, have consistency, predictability, and balance of social, spiritual, educational and financial situations. Having more outside of the 9-5 work week has helped me to still learn in skills and participate in fun hobbies such as podcasting, YouTube, snowboarding, gym, and social gatherings with friends or dates.

I went from being taught certain values and rules and developing a path of my own which works my own way. 

• Many of us develop self-criticism from the experiences that got us in trouble as kids.

• Out parents or guardians usually would scold us either because they wanted us on the right path AND based on their own hang ups and shortcomings.

• Do you take your past upbringing of criticism from adults into your current life?

• Do your self-criticisms match your own personal values or the values of others?

• Can you tell for yourself if you are falling short of your own goals and lifestyle values?

Methods to Manage Self-Criticism

When you experience self-criticism are you able to tune in to it? Once you can tune into it and notice when it is occurring you can get it into control. Here are some steps I use mixed with some possible methods you can employ for yourself. Make sure you are honestly ready to start working on the emotional concerns. If you are not ready you will find yourself in conflict between imagining how good things could be and spending the energy on thinking of the fantasy of what to do and how to do it but actually taking no real action. 

Once you are ready and can begin to recognize the self-criticism, try and ask yourself what you need:

• Do I need a distraction and detachment to feel better?
• Do I need to sit quietly to meditate and process my thoughts?
• Do I need an outlet such as a hobby, sport, studying, creating (a type of distraction).

Many times people feel they cannot tolerate processing any strong and difficult emotions. We put pressure on ourselves to delve into something deep and force ourselves hard into exhaustion. To manage difficult emotions we can start slow, give a time limit of how long to work on it. How long to cry about something. And practice a soothing self-care activity to recover and feel better (hot shower, bubble bath, small snack, watch a nice episode, use scents such as incense or candles or essential oils, massage, anything to pamper the self).

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) can also be used for self-help. Using the ABC Model a person can learn to identify the activating event- the situation that led to the emotional experience (ex. a nightmare, someone coming being mean). Behaviors- actions that are taken (ex. cursing, crying, screaming, retreating internally, leaving the environment). Consequences- the result of a situation, what a person ends up doing (ex. overeating, spiraling, smoking, drinking, venting, practicing coping skills).

Being able to identify issues using the CBT ABC model  is a useful skill. Once you can recognize patterns you can then strategize methods to address personal issues. Learning to use SMART Goals can also help with the planning portion of change.

Self- Criticism (addressing risk, self-sabotage and self-talk): 

Podcast episode CLICK HERE!  https://anchor.fm/hempication/episodes/Self--Criticism-addressing-risk--self-sabotage-and-self-talk-e1h0u2l

Self- Criticism and Attachment: Podcast episode CLICK HERE! https://anchor.fm/hempication/episodes/Self-Criticism-and-Attachment-epe6jl